THE END OF THE BEGINNING PT II: I Only Have Myself to Blame…Mostly

Mmmm….where was I? Think soon-to-be-addled brain, THINK! Ah, yes... “What the Hell…” or something like that.

To be fair, with regard to all the things I have felt have gone wrong with my life were really no one else’s fault. As with everyone’s lives, there were certain aspects that were just beyond my control; however, I will concede that a great many things I have both externally and internally whined about up to my 30’s are all on me.

There are so many things that I could have done differently – school, friends, jobs, my weight. All of those things were the things I have always whined about, and all of those things were well within my own control. I could have actually applied myself in high school. I could have been a little less of a bitch and had more friends. I could have had a different job. No one forced me to work at a restaurant for 10 years and then in the insurance industry for the next 10. Finally, I could have just gone on a fucking diet. Like I said, everything that happened up until I entered my 30’s was all on me…mostly.

So much happened in the last ten years, though – so much that I couldn’t stop or change. I have lived through a decade of filled with so much suckage that I am actually looking forward to it fading off into the ether of the past. 

First of all, I spent most of my 30’s working at a job I despised. I was a liability claims adjuster in the insurance industry. Yes, I know. The actual job was within my control; however, getting laid off was not something I could have stopped. So, going through my savings and ending up fucking broker than a joker was never part of any kind of master plan. It isn’t for anyone.

The worst part of the last decade, however has got to be the number of deaths I have had to deal with. You just can’t do jack shit about people dying because it is something everyone is going to do. First, my best friend of over 20 years passed away, and it was all downhill from there. I was then faced with the deaths of two beloved uncles, my sister, another close friend and then my father. This all happened in the second half of those damned 10 years. 

I have been spiraling a bit since then, and it will take a while to get over it, but it’s not the proverbial end of the world. It’s just life, and shit just happens. There have been many times I have been content with life…sometimes even happy, believe it or not. There have also been many times that I have never been more unhappy and disappointed with myself. I’ll be damned if I’m going to dwell on it though. What’s done is done. I can’t turn the clock around and change anything. The past is just that – the past. I think it’s time for me to get over it.